Stardust

“We are stardust” - “Woodstock”, by Joni Mitchell

We all die. For as long as humans have roamed the earth, two things are certain: humans will work tirelessly for immortality, and humans will die trying. Ponce de León’s explorations to discover the Fountain of Youth in the 16th century were a modern take on an old quest dating as far back as Herodotus. Even today, Silicon Valley’s best and brightest are working to “hack” mortality. Inevitably, though, all of us eventually shuffle off this mortal coil, even the Queen of England.

Since death is a fact of life, one would think we should be a bit more prepared for it. However, the human brain, that wonder of the universe, has evolved elegantly to keep us out of danger, elevating avoidance as a finely-tuned coping mechanism. People not only avoid thinking about their own demise, but some also believe that to discuss or contemplate it invites bad luck.

I’m a big believer in personal choice, so whether you plan or choose to look the other way, it’s your call. There are some insights I can share with you having worked with people as they settle the estates of loved ones that you might find instructive. No matter the situation, I find these three concepts to be “capital T” true.

You will leave a mess.

It doesn’t matter how well-organized and buttoned-down your estate planning is, you will leave a mess. You cannot plan around this. No document will solve for this. You cannot solve grief. Those you leave behind will be consumed with some form of deep and complex emotion, and it will cloud their thinking.

What most advisors don’t talk about when counseling people who are drafting documents and plans is that those who are in charge of the process are usually debilitated by grief, or worse (and just as common), by feelings of guilt, jealousy, or resentment.

Compounding the difficulty of the process is the fact that the one person who has the most knowledge about everything is gone.

Instead of assuming you are “all set” once you have documents executed, consider what your loved ones might be feeling when you’re gone. How messy might it get? Invite your advisors to help plan for the aftermath and the trauma. Some advisors will be comfortable in the space. Most won’t. This, though, is where failure lurks. 

What can you do now to avoid some of the messiness once you are gone? It usually involves a lot of uncomfortable and necessary conversations while you are still here. Think of this preparation like being an Olympic diver - the goal is not to avoid getting wet, it is to make the smallest splash possible.

You will leave a mess, but you can take steps to make it small and manageable - a generous gift to leave your beneficiaries.

People are full of surprises.

Things get weird when someone dies. Predicting with one hundred percent certainty how a person will react to loss is impossible. Often the people you think are the most resilient will struggle. Those inclined to buckle when things get tough may respond with steely resolve. Know this: the people you think are most likely to follow your instructions and wishes may well be the first to dismantle your plan.

You probably have very specific wishes around end of life care. You may want medical intervention to prolong your life. Perhaps you want to avoid life support. Will the person you choose as your healthcare agent be able to carry out your wishes? Sometimes, sadly, the answer is no. Recently, I heard a story of a daughter who couldn’t bring herself to end her mother’s life support, even though that was her mother’s wish. Because of this, mom spent days connected to machines, exactly what she did not want, and daughter waged her own internal battle between wanting to honor her mother while refusing to let her go. How tragic.

Think deeply about what you want, and then speak openly and candidly about your wishes with the people who must carry them out. If you talk about it now, you may avoid an ocean of grief and anxiety in the future.

When you are gone, you’re gone.

The financial planning I do with clients involves estate planning. Sometimes clients will want certain assets to be retained by the family, or they want assets to be held in trust for generations to come. Things might unfold that way, but they may not. What you leave behind you will entrust to others - spending time and energy creating rules or guidelines about the stuff isn’t necessarily productive. As the old saying goes, “you can’t take it with you.”

My advice is to leave more of the things you will take with you: your voice, your wisdom, your heartbreak, your triumph. 

Tell the people you love how much they matter to you. 

Share your greatest struggle.

Celebrate your biggest triumph.

The greatest legacy you can leave the people you love are those moments, before you make your way back to the garden.

“We are stardust

We are golden

And we’ve got to get ourselves

Back to the garden”

Woodstock, performed by Joni Mitchell

- Kelly